sigh.

Salaam everyone,

I've been having troubles lately. Especially today. All I want to do is just stay away from everyone.

Could be the hormones. (excuses much!)

What had happened lately has got me thinking real deep. What had happened recently made me re-think over and over again and the more I think about it, the more I am convinced of the next action I want to take, and I trust Allah will guide me through this, insya Allah.

I only hope that I'm strong enough to do it.

But the only problem is, how can I make people understand what I truly feel without hurting them?

It's hard.

It's hard, when expectations from everyone are involved.

It's hard, when perceptions are different.

It's hard, when people don't understand, or choose not to understand because 'to stand out and be different' is not an option.

Sure, it's okay to go out with your "partner" until late nights, because everyone does it.

Sure, it's okay to not cover up because you're thinking "it's not time yet" (for related post, click here.)

Sure, it's okay to do things that are haraam because, hey, lets face it, everyone does it.

Astaghafirullah.

Ya Allah, ampunkanlah dosa hambaMu yang hina ini, ampunkanlah dosa kedua ibubapaku. Teguhkanlah keimanan kami Ya Allah, sesungguhnya Engkau lah Yang Maha Pengasih lagi Maha Penyayang.

But when it's something new, or different, or never heard of, then your acceptance of it is so hard to get, your trust is harder to gain and you question about it over and over and over hoping that one day I would give up and let go.

And one more thing, I have tried my best. I have done what I'm supposed to do. And guess what? Surprisingly, Alhamdulillah, I am redha. Alum tah ada rezeki tu, insya Allah, bila ada rezeki, then ada tah tu...

Ergh. I just want to let go. Cry, and let go.

And then, this nasheed comes on iTunes and the lyric just got me:

Akalmu senipis bilahan rambut
Tebalkanlah ia dengan limpahan ilmu...

Didiklah wanita dengan keimanan
Bukannya harta ataupun pujian...

Sigh. How can I make them understand?

Do you believe in takdir? Jodoh pertemuan? Rezeki?

I do.

Sigh. I miss my halaqah girls =(

Ya Allah, hanya kepadaMu hamba berserah... kuatkanlah dan teguhkanlah keimananku yang lemah...